the boy has his hands down his pants at every opportunity. it’s very normal, i’m sure. he’s tween now, isn’t he? at ten? i’d probably be doing the same if i were him. it feels good. it’s always there. easy access, one quick movement of the hands, plunge, there it is, the fiddle toy that he’s never without! his permanent sensory snack!
he’s always been like this but it doesn’t really fly anymore. it’s not going to win him points in the shark pit of his peer group or frankly, anywhere. we’re working on appropriate while trying to convey healthy attitudes towards ones body, towards pleasure. i don’t know how many times we’ve said, yes! that feels good. it’s meant to. it’s part of the plan. but it’s private. you simply cannot do it in public places or in front of other people at home, even mommy and daddy. okay, he says, and sticks his hands down his pants.
dave calls him napoleon bone-a-pants. that’s become his signal to fluffy, a reminder, hey buddy, they’re down there again. i can’t seem to remember that. i usually just squawk, hands!
we’re also working on improving his aim. in the bathroom. the credit system works pretty well around here. fluffy earns points for various things. incentive. he spends those points on privileges and treats. most of it goes to computer time. this may sounds ridiculous but for the last week, he’s been getting 2 points for every pee that goes entirely into the toilet. for this to happen, i coached, he must watch the pee the whole time. from first spurt to last drop. since he’s in there on his own, the points are awarded on the honor system. we can do this. fluffy, though skilled in the art of debate, is not a liar.
this morning he came trudging in for his morning pee. i was in the bathroom already, irrigating my sinuses with dave’s neti pot. (as an aside, ought i to get my own neti pot? is this the sort of thing partners share?) i’ve been trying to cure my sinus infection for the last 10 days. (another aside: we’re an open-bathroom-door-walk-around-in-the-nude-household. the only time the bathroom door gets closed is during more serious bathroom business.) as i rinsed out the sink, fluffy began to pee. i watched out of the corner of my eye. he was looking straight down at it. you go, buddy, i was thinking. he continued. quite a stream. impressive. we’re all big pee-ers here. he kept watching. it was looking like a solid 2-pointer. then he leaned, looked to the side. the stream leaned, edged toward the back rim, closer, closer, and then it went over the top, through those little toilet seat holder points, onto the back ledge and onto the floor.
honey! the pee! you need to watch it the whole time!
i know. okay. okay, mom.
sweetheart–
okay okay mom!
may i ask? why don’t you use your hands? i’m not an expert, but i don’t think there is a boy around who doesn’t need a hand to direct it.
okay. okay, mom!
i don’t mean to nag. i’m really curious. why don’t you hold it?
(at this point, dave came shuffling in wearing his bathrobe. i was nude. fluffy had his pants down.)
it is curious, dave said. it’s the only time of the day you’re not holding it.
i don’t know, fluffy said. then that smile appeared and spread across his whole face like a sunrise and he added, i guess i just don’t think it’s appropriate.
My little one is only six (a month shy of seven) and we already have the hands in the pants issue! Ugh. I actually wrote about it just a few weeks ago.
I’m doing my internship right now in a school system and I get to work with three AWESOME teenage boys on the spectrum and they all struggle with this. In a meeting about them my supervisor (the OT) said we need to find something that gives them sensation to help them avoid it. Then I think we all said in unison- “What can beat that feeling?” It’s true.
Oh and pee aiming also a problem. I think Brian is convinced the point of using the toilet is to see how much of the rim he can cover in his urine. He doesn’t use his hands either. He doesn’t use his hands for much of anything though :/ I’m going to retry doing some brushing on his hands to see if I can make him realize they are useful tools lol.
Oh, I love finding posts like this online- it’s not very often I find anyone “in real life” that gets these things.
Oh the joys
Three comments:
1. Pretty amusing juxtaposition, given the title of your last post.
2. Zoo Boy and J never hold it either. Then again, they don’t have an overt fondness for the fondling either…. but I can definitely sympathize with the lack-of-aim situation. My favorite was being hollered at across the house “Mommy! I peed in the cat bowl.” Um, by mistake?!?!? How does that even happen?? I’m pretty sure he couldn’t have hit that bowl if he actually tried to….
3. Did you ever see the movie “Parenthood”? (From a decade or two ago, Steve Martin plus a boatload of other talented actors/actresses and some seriously adorble kids — if you haven’t seen it, you simple MUST drop everything right this minute and run out to rent it!!) Keenu Reeves’ teenaged character gives advice to his girlfriend’s confused pre-teen brother: “That’s what little dudes do.”
I LOVE that you’re posting every day! You’re doing it!! Go Kyra, go Kyra, go Kyra, go Kyra….
I’m just grateful that my two boys and husband use a different bathroom than I.
This post is hilarious — good enough for a sit-com, although naked you and peeing boy wouldn’t cut it for prime time…
Oh Kyra I am sitting with tears of laughter streaming down my face! I have to say I needed a good laugh too!
I can so relate to this post. I too have often wondered why they don’t just hold it when they are peeing. Really?
Peace!
This entire post, from the first word to the last, was fabulous! Love it!!
OMG that was toooo funny
Aren’t these the moments when you wonder how you gave birth to a male creature? For me, at least, the thought arises. But my eight year-old sits to pee. This seems so reasonable on his part (but I wonder if he’ll get teased? for being not-so-boyish in that regard?). He’s a pretty private guy (about dressing) but in a pretty darn open bathroom/naked people household. People are so interesting.
Hands in pants, ah, yes I remember (although today, too immersed in potty training with the three year-old).
Echoing: hooray for these great & steady posts!
OMG, that is hilarious. I wish you and Dave would write a book called Napolean Bony Pants. And a girl version too. Not sure what you’d call it. It’s really difficult to explain appropriate touching (when, where, with whom) without being a total killjoy. But man oh man if they don’t get this idea, it’s a problem.
Love it! My 9 year old Aspie has the same habit, although he holds onto that part from the outside of his pants. At the toilet? No holding allowed, it seems, when peeing and certainly no need to put the seat up. I just don’t get it, but I’m glad to know we’re not alone.
First, I’m so so glad to see you posting regularly again. I’ve missed you. This post had me simultaneously cracking up and near tears because both the fiddling and the poor aim are huge stressors in my life. It’s gotten to the point I just line the floor around the toilet with paper towels, steer John in there, and walk away. For my sanity. Don’t know if I’m relieved or not to hear that a) it’s not uncommon and b) he is not going to outgrow the fiddling with his, ahem, pants by his 7th birthday.
Love your writing as always
OMG… I just stumbled upon this post and I almost peed my pants reading this. This is great… because I can so relate to this myself. My Aspie son just turned 10. we have a different problem. My guy thinks nothing of walking around naked, which used to be okay but we also have a 7 year old daughter and try explaining to your daughters friend’s mother why their little girl just got a free peep show while spending the night. But you gotta laugh..it is funny. We call my guy Captain Sweat pants. He loves to wear sweat pants because well… easy access to his goods.
I think aiming is a problem in neurotypical households too! So a little typical-ness going on there, I suppose.
As far as my twins aiming… at this point I’m happy if they are peeing in the same room as the toilet (seriously).
He’s got a good sense of humor about it, anyway!
Great Story Great Grandson Great Sense of Humor Great Parents Just plain wonderful
OMG that is so wonderfully well-written. We gotta laugh…thanks for helping us do that. My DD has finally gotten the “only in the bedroom or in the playroom.”…but she TALKS about it anywhere, any time.
I live in a house with my husband and two sons. Even my dog is male! I am in a constant battle with them to aim correctly and keep their eyes on the prize since often when I am walking by the bathroom (and heaven forbid the door is shut), their focus is on the ceiling, wall, mirror, and for my husband, on his iPhone all while peeing. Good to know that I’m in for several more years of the battle! I need my own bathroom.
*laughs* Oh, lordy, we are in the same boat with the peeing thing. He won’t hold it … and … he doesn’t ever, ever want to look to watch where it’s going. Which is why Mama is still helping him pee. *Sigh* And boy, am I glad to hear we’re not the only walk-around-nekkid-open-door-policy family. Phew. That’s a load off.
I was the exact same way with my hand’s down my pants when I was your son’s age. My mom was a single mom and she found it a tad awkward chastising me for doing what seemed so natural. I remember her sending in her boyfriend at the time to give me a talk about what should and should not be “appropriate” (as your son said) in the company of family and strangers. I understood at the time what he was saying, but my natural inclinations always got the best of me. Of course I never did behave like that outside the house and once I discovered girls, well everything changed and I became very conscious, very fast, of what to do and what NOT to do. The pee thing on the other hand seemed to kind of take care of itself…much to my mom’s joy…:) Thanks for sharing and I’m really enjoying your blog. Take care and all the best.
Lyle
How did I miss this? Too funny. Brilliant writing, you.
Hilarious. I worked with autistic children so I can totally relate to this, they really have a love relationship with their sensory organ. Talk about sensory overload!
Very funny!!! Awesome post!!!